What Are Men Learning About Sexual Assault?

no means no, sexual assault, sexual violence, Matt LauerAnd the beat goes on. This morning’s celebrity, outed and fired for sexual assault, is Matt Lauer. The former co-host of NBC’s “Today” show lost his job due to “inappropriate sexual behavior” with a co-worker that may not have been an isolated incident.

My husband attempted to have a conversation we me this morning about this very recent development in which men actually take women’s accusations seriously and act on them. It did not go well. The gap between us comes, as you might expect, from our different life experiences. He asked whether, had I not worked, would I have experienced harassment.

The Lengthy Answer

hashtag MeToo, #MeToo, Twitter, sexual harassmentWhere does a woman start in answering a question like that?

The fact that my husband could even ask this question indicates the size of the gap. He has been married to a strong professional woman for many years. How could he not know this?

I experienced the harassment of girls in high school, where it was ignored by teachers and administrators alike. But I settled on a few egregious cases in response:

  • The college wrestler who threw me over his shoulder at a frat party and carried me up to his room. My roommate saved me by distracting him while I slipped out the door. (He was really drunk.)
  • The co-workers on my college co-op job who had a pool going on who would seduce me successfully. (They all lost.)
  • The two times I have been stalked—once in my hometown and once in Manhattan.
  • The constant street harassment, whistles and catcalls wherever I went in New York City.
  • The co-workers who called me sweetie, girlie, honey, darlin’ and other names meant to keep me in my place.

Extra-Judicial Actions

My husband thinks all these prominent firings after charges of sexual assault are “extra judicial” and the man deserves to confront his accuser(s) in court. To which I responded, “How long has the Cosby case been going on?” (Since 2014)

In the corporate world, if you violate the terms of your contract with a company, you can and should be fired. That applies only when you have a contract, of course, and I assume people like Matt Lauer, Charlie Rose, and Bill O’Reilly did. Most employees can be fired at will, for any cause or no cause at all.

Men need to start asking themselves whether grabbing a butt, squeezing a breast, making lewd comments, demanding a blow job, or raping a co-worker is worth their job, their career, their reputation, or even their freedom.

Questions and Answers About Sexual Assault

unwanted touching, sexual harassment, Silicon ValleyIf you still have any questions about:

  1. What constitutes sexual harassment/assault
  2. How to behave professionally in the work environment
  3. Whether women enjoy being catcalled on the street
  4. Why women don’t speak up as soon as it happens
  5. What you did or said that was wrong

Here’s a recap of the 11 posts I have written on this issue in the last five years.

Celebrity Cases and Causes

How to Avoid Being Accused

Offenders on the Job

Offenders on the Street

How to Clean Up Your Act

BEing an Assohole is All Part of My Manly ImageIf you suspect you have been skirting the edge of acceptable behavior on the job or on the street, clean up your act. If you worry about how to behave professionally just stick to my 10 Rules and you’ll be fine. If you’re still confused, just remember these 10 simple points

  1. Women don’t belong to you.
  2. Women other than your wife need not provide you with sexual gratification.
  3. You have no right to touch a woman’s body in any way or any place without her permission.
  4. Women do not want to see your penis, either in a photograph or up close and personal. Ick.
  5. Bathrobes do not constitute business casual dress.
  6. Hotel rooms are not business settings.
  7. If you enjoy forcing yourself on a woman who doesn’t want you, you are a sick puppy.
  8. Women do not like or want catcalls, whistles, or other vocalizations in any setting. This is not cool; it’s disgusting.
  9. Women do not want to know about your fantasies or what you fantasize about doing to us. Keep it to yourself.
  10. What you may think of as sexy, titillating or “hyper-masculine” behavior reminds us of the eighth-grade boys table in the middle-school cafeteria. Grow up, already.