Monday Author: Susanne Skinner
“…But if you try sometimes, well you just might find, you get what you need” ~ The Rolling Stones, 1969
The Rolling Stones got it right. These lyrics are nearly fifty years old but they still ring true. Life is not always fair. The world won’t always work in your favor. I’ve faced this reality more than once.
Loss or rejection is painful, especially when you realize no matter how badly you want something, you just aren’t going to get it. When you don’t get what you want, you want it even more.
You can’t always get what you want. It’s a life lesson. We don’t like to be told we can’t have something because it means we’re being controlled by circumstances outside our force field. It generates negative energy in and around us.
It Wasn’t Meant for You
This means absolutely nothing in the moment. It goes in one ear and out the other. Our reaction is to find the do-over button and see if we can alter the ending. We take it personally; we blame others and declare ourselves victims. We have suffered enough and it’s time for a happy ending.
When we realize we are not getting the thing we want, we devote more of our attention to it. I can’t eat salt. I walk past bags of potato chips in my office kitchen every single day. I want them; knowing they are bad for me becomes irrelevant. I take an apple, then sit at my desk and think about eating chips.
The same is true when something is less available. Its value increases when there is less of it and more demand for it. Think eBay. The price escalates as more people bid – and if you want it badly enough you will pay far more than its worth.
Therein lies the life lesson. But we are human; fallible and determined to create the outcome we want without thinking of cost. We learn the lesson in hindsight. We acknowledge it when we find acceptance and allow ourselves to move on.
The Answer is No
Put another way, if that door you’re banging on is closed, whatever is behind it is not part of your journey. No doesn’t always mean rejection. Sometimes it’s redirection, a challenge to broaden our thinking and step out of our comfort zone.
Children are told No out of concern for their safety or maturity level. I’ve found this to be true no matter what age we are. Some things are simply not good for us – if only we have the wisdom to see it.
Six years ago I lost my job—then my husband lost his job. Two unemployed people in their fifties looking for jobs is a major stressor. One of us had to find a job to carry the household expenses and obtain health benefits.
I interviewed for a position that was a perfect fit, until I met the group manager. Within minutes I knew I could do her job better than she could. She knew it too and I left knowing with absolute certainty I would not be hired.
There is was; right in front of me yet completely out of my reach. I got up each day hoping the phone would ring. I wanted something I wasn’t going to get, no matter how hard I wished for it.
In hindsight, this job was not a perfect fit. In my desperation to become employed, I focused on any job instead of the right job in the right company. My emotions caused me to lose perspective and ignore my career goals.
In time, the right job came along and it was the perfect fit. When the Universe says No, there is a reason behind it.
Wisdom Comes with Age
But sometimes age comes alone. Some people never learn, but those of us who have been around long enough are generally wiser. Today, the Internet of Things puts information at our fingertips but there is a difference between knowledge and wisdom. Age does not guarantee wisdom.
What it does is provide greater perspective, more data points, and impulse control. As we age we gain the benefit of balancing our flaws and strengths. Experience is a good teacher. The older and wiser you will also develop compassion and patience, crucial for balance, acceptance and decision making.
Want What You Have
In my worst moments, I forgot this. I lost sight of what was good and consistent and focused on the absent job. It’s a lot harder to be positive when crisis kicks down your door, but that is exactly what you must do. Find your center and focus on things you can control, like your attitude and reaction. You can’t change the past or control another person’s behavior.
The unemployment experience taught me I was much more than a job. My husband and I woke up each morning with a multitude of blessings:
- We had each other
- We were in good health
- We raised five amazing kids into amazing adults
- We had a strong support network
- We had options
What we did not have were jobs—temporary (because all jobs are temporary), replaceable, jobs. Serious—yes. Life altering—yes. Life-ending—no. We learned to find the good in each day by not allowing a job to define us.
Acceptance Builds Resilience
Of course, we wanted stabilized finances and solid footing under our career futures. But at the same time, we wanted a balanced life with time for the things we enjoyed. When I accepted my job loss I also made peace with it. Joy comes from our ability to accept, appreciate and celebrate what we already have in our lives.
When I began to appreciate what I had, I was able to loosen the grip on wanting what I could not have. Except for the chips. I will always want the chips.
